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Story / past tense
Message from san99 posted on 11-06-2012 at 02:50:07 (D | E | F)
Hello,
I am again here with another story, which is a bit longer than the previous one. I’d really appreciate your contribution on my thread and editing the sentences that are not making any sense or contain grammatical errors.
Thank you in advance for reading this story.
It was a cold night of December. I took my cold drink from the freezer and put it on the table. The bell rang up “ Ding-dong, Ding-dong, Ding-dog,”, I ran towards the door and was shocked at the impatience of the doorman. “Please wait I am coming there,”, I said it very loudly, but the guy outside didn’t want to wait at all. I unlocked the door and opened it and saw a tall boy standing in front me here.
“ Hello Sir,”, said the tall boy.
“ Hey there.”, I replied back. He was looking a little sleepy from/by the face.
“ Did you order a Chicken Tikka Pizza Sir,”, he asked me suddenly.
“ Yes, I did,”, I nudged my head to say yea. “ Ok, here is your Pizza, please enjoy,” said the guy. Taking the box from his hand, I turned to the kitchen and opened the drawer. I got to know that I had forgotten my wallet in the office. I checked my pocket and there was a note of 20-dollars. I returned to the door and asked him “how much for the pizza?” He replied “It’s 15 dollars and 99 cents sir.” Having handed over the note to him I said please keep the change and closed the door with a bang.
I couldn’t fall asleep on that Saturday night. After I had filled my stomach with three canes of cold drinks and a six-sliced pizza I came close to my window to see the brightness of the moon. It was very cozy, assuaging, and quiet out there. The glittery rays of moon’s light were passing through my window and touching to the back wall of my single bed. I looked through the window and suddenly my eyes got stuck on the road, where the street lights were still turning on at their fullest. I decided to take a walk outside because the next day was off from the work. I didn’t want to sleep at all. So I put on my brown leather coat and locked the room after taking my cell phone from the room.
Nobody was there. The street lights were just on their bloom and showing me trail very clearly. I started to walk slowly until I reached at the end of the road. Should I go ahead or not? I decided in my mind and then took a left turn and walked down the trail. I looked up at the sky, the stars were constantly shinning and I was feeling very romantic.
I had been listening to Gotye’s You Are Just Somebody that I used to know for three months then, I just started hymning the first chorus of the song and was enjoyed myself out there.
Had I only walked to the half-mile on the East side of the Luminosity Street I noticed a little boy on the corner of the road, he was walking ahead of me silently. I was very shocked to see a small kind on the road at late night. “What this kid would possibly be doing here at this moment?” I asked to myself. Then I didn’t have another think and took fast steps- in nine steps I was close to him, but he seemed to be faster than I was. He wasn’t running at all, but it looked as if he was taking big steps.
“ Hey, Hey, Hey,” “ Listen to me buddy,” I said aloud. But he didn’t stop there even I was sure he had heard me asking him to stop. I ran towards him and yelled “Please look at me.” And then he stopped immediately.
He turned his face and didn’t speak anything. The kid seemed to belong to a poor family: his clothes were torn from many parts and his face was nasty as if he hadn’t taken the shower for years.
Are you all right? I asked him. No reply from his side. Hey kid, are you listening to me? I tried my best to speak to him. Apparently, he was looking in some kind of shock! Maybe he had run off from his home, I was trying to figure out what could the reason of his being outside be late in the night.
I gave another try and asked “Hey, I will not harm you. Look I am your friend; you can trust me, Ok. I can help you, but you need to tell me what’s wrong with you. Why are you on the road at this time? You shouldn’t be here; it’s not good for you.” My second try also went in vain. Neither he cared to reply to my questions nor he looked at my face and maintained an eye contact with me. I was feeling so frustrated from his behavior and thought to ask him one more time that why he was out there.
“Look buddy, if you won’t tell me who you are and where are you from, I am going to call the police and tell them everything.” I said it with a clear anger and I am sure he had noticed it. He lifted his eyes up for the first time ever since we started talking to each other, but he hadn’t said a word yet. His eyes were blood-shot with numerous tiny spots of black color; he kept staring at me with baneful eyes. At one point I thought that he would fire something from his eyes and kill me on the spot. I didn’t know why but there was a wave of fear running through my spine and sending signals to my brain that something wasn’t right the
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Edited by lucile83 on 11-06-2012 07:35
Message from san99 posted on 11-06-2012 at 02:50:07 (D | E | F)
Hello,
I am again here with another story, which is a bit longer than the previous one. I’d really appreciate your contribution on my thread and editing the sentences that are not making any sense or contain grammatical errors.
Thank you in advance for reading this story.
It was a cold night of December. I took my cold drink from the freezer and put it on the table. The bell rang up “ Ding-dong, Ding-dong, Ding-dog,”, I ran towards the door and was shocked at the impatience of the doorman. “Please wait I am coming there,”, I said it very loudly, but the guy outside didn’t want to wait at all. I unlocked the door and opened it and saw a tall boy standing in front me here.
“ Hello Sir,”, said the tall boy.
“ Hey there.”, I replied back. He was looking a little sleepy from/by the face.
“ Did you order a Chicken Tikka Pizza Sir,”, he asked me suddenly.
“ Yes, I did,”, I nudged my head to say yea. “ Ok, here is your Pizza, please enjoy,” said the guy. Taking the box from his hand, I turned to the kitchen and opened the drawer. I got to know that I had forgotten my wallet in the office. I checked my pocket and there was a note of 20-dollars. I returned to the door and asked him “how much for the pizza?” He replied “It’s 15 dollars and 99 cents sir.” Having handed over the note to him I said please keep the change and closed the door with a bang.
I couldn’t fall asleep on that Saturday night. After I had filled my stomach with three canes of cold drinks and a six-sliced pizza I came close to my window to see the brightness of the moon. It was very cozy, assuaging, and quiet out there. The glittery rays of moon’s light were passing through my window and touching to the back wall of my single bed. I looked through the window and suddenly my eyes got stuck on the road, where the street lights were still turning on at their fullest. I decided to take a walk outside because the next day was off from the work. I didn’t want to sleep at all. So I put on my brown leather coat and locked the room after taking my cell phone from the room.
Nobody was there. The street lights were just on their bloom and showing me trail very clearly. I started to walk slowly until I reached at the end of the road. Should I go ahead or not? I decided in my mind and then took a left turn and walked down the trail. I looked up at the sky, the stars were constantly shinning and I was feeling very romantic.
I had been listening to Gotye’s You Are Just Somebody that I used to know for three months then, I just started hymning the first chorus of the song and was enjoyed myself out there.
Had I only walked to the half-mile on the East side of the Luminosity Street I noticed a little boy on the corner of the road, he was walking ahead of me silently. I was very shocked to see a small kind on the road at late night. “What this kid would possibly be doing here at this moment?” I asked to myself. Then I didn’t have another think and took fast steps- in nine steps I was close to him, but he seemed to be faster than I was. He wasn’t running at all, but it looked as if he was taking big steps.
“ Hey, Hey, Hey,” “ Listen to me buddy,” I said aloud. But he didn’t stop there even I was sure he had heard me asking him to stop. I ran towards him and yelled “Please look at me.” And then he stopped immediately.
He turned his face and didn’t speak anything. The kid seemed to belong to a poor family: his clothes were torn from many parts and his face was nasty as if he hadn’t taken the shower for years.
Are you all right? I asked him. No reply from his side. Hey kid, are you listening to me? I tried my best to speak to him. Apparently, he was looking in some kind of shock! Maybe he had run off from his home, I was trying to figure out what could the reason of his being outside be late in the night.
I gave another try and asked “Hey, I will not harm you. Look I am your friend; you can trust me, Ok. I can help you, but you need to tell me what’s wrong with you. Why are you on the road at this time? You shouldn’t be here; it’s not good for you.” My second try also went in vain. Neither he cared to reply to my questions nor he looked at my face and maintained an eye contact with me. I was feeling so frustrated from his behavior and thought to ask him one more time that why he was out there.
“Look buddy, if you won’t tell me who you are and where are you from, I am going to call the police and tell them everything.” I said it with a clear anger and I am sure he had noticed it. He lifted his eyes up for the first time ever since we started talking to each other, but he hadn’t said a word yet. His eyes were blood-shot with numerous tiny spots of black color; he kept staring at me with baneful eyes. At one point I thought that he would fire something from his eyes and kill me on the spot. I didn’t know why but there was a wave of fear running through my spine and sending signals to my brain that something wasn’t right the
-------------------
Edited by lucile83 on 11-06-2012 07:35
Re: Story / past tense from notrepere, posted on 11-06-2012 at 04:38:51 (D | E)
Hello(order) = check word order
in red = to delete
= wrong word or other error specifiedIt was a cold night of
(wrong preposition) December. I took my cold drink from the freezer and put it on the table. The bell rang up “ Ding-dong, Ding-dong, Ding-dog,”, I ran towards the door and was shocked at the impatience of the doorman. “Please wait I am coming there,”, I said it very loudly, but the guy outside didn’t want to wait at all. I unlocked the door and opened it and saw a tall boy standing in front of me here.“ Hello Sir,”, said the tall boy.
“ Hey there.”, I replied back. He was looking a little sleepy
“ Did you order a Chicken Tikka Pizza Sir?”, he asked me suddenly.
“ Yes, I did,”, I
that I had forgotten my wallet in the office. I checked my pocket and there was a note of 20-dollars $20 dollar bill. I returned to the door and asked him “how much for the pizza?” He replied “It’s 15 dollars and 99 cents sir.” Having handed over the note to him I said please keep the change and closed the door with a bang.I couldn’t
of cold drinks and a six-sliced pizza I came close to my window to see the brightness of the moon. It was very cozy, assuaging, and quiet out there. The glittery rays of on the road, where the street lights were still turning on at their fullest(find another way to say this). I decided to take a walk outside because the next day was off from the work(no, the next day wasn't off, YOU were off, right?). I didn’t want to sleep at all. So I put on my brown leather coat and locked the room after taking my cell phone from the room.Nobody was there. The street lights were just on their bloom
and showing me I had been listening to Gotye’s You Are Just Somebody that I used to know for three months
(tenses) then, I just started hymning the first chorus of the song and was enjoyed myself out there.Had I(order) only walked
and took fast steps- in nine steps I was close to him, but he seemed to be faster than I was. He wasn’t running at all, but it looked as if he was taking big steps.“ Hey, Hey, Hey,” “ Listen to me buddy,” I said aloud. But he didn’t stop there even though I was sure he had heard me asking him to stop. I ran towards him and yelled “Please look at me.” And then he stopped immediately.
He turned his face and didn’t speak
anything. The kid seemed to belong to a poor family: his clothes were torn from many parts and his face was nasty as if he hadn’t taken a shower for years.Are you all right? I asked him. No reply from his side. Hey kid, are you listening to me? I tried my best to speak to him. Apparently, he was
(wrong preposition) from his home, I was trying to figure out what could the reason of his being outside be(order) late in the night.I gave another try and asked “Hey, I will not harm you. Look I am your friend; you can trust me, Ok. I can help you, but you need to tell me what’s wrong with you. Why are you on the road at this time? You shouldn’t be here; it’s not good for you.” My second try also
“Look buddy, if you won’t tell me who you are and where are you from, I am going to call the police and tell them everything.” I said it with a clear anger and I am sure he
-------------------
Edited by notrepere on 11-06-2012 05:00
Re: Story / past tense from san99, posted on 12-06-2012 at 00:32:01 (D | E)
Hello notrepere,
Thank you for looking into my content and highlighting
One wintry night in December, I was alone at home and wanted to have fun myself. I was feeling a little thirsty; I headed to the freezer and took out a chilled cane of cold drink. I was about to take my first sip out of the cane just then the doorbell rang “ Ding-dong, Ding-dong,” it was ringing nonstop. I ran towards the door and was shocked at the impatience of the doorman. “Please wait I am coming,”, I said very loudly, but the guy outside didn’t want to wait at all. I unlocked the door and opened it and saw a tall boy standing in front of me.
“ Hello Sir,”, said the tall boy.
“ Hey there.”, I replied back. He was looking a little sleepy.
“ Did you order a Chicken Tikka Pizza Sir?”, he asked me suddenly.
“ Yes, I did,”, I nodded my head (to say yea) in agreement . “ Ok, here is your Pizza, please enjoy,” said the guy. Taking the box from his hand, I turned towards the kitchen and opened the drawer and my wallet was not in there. Oh, I had probably forgotten my wallet in the office. I checked my pocket and it had just 20 dollars and 50 cents. I returned to the door and asked him “how much for the pizza?” He replied “It’s 15 dollars and 99 cents sir.” Having handed over the note to him I said please keep the change and closed the door with a bang.
I couldn’t sleep that (Saturday) night. After I had filled my stomach with three regular cold drinks and a six-sliced pizza I came close to my window to see the brightness of the moon. It was very dark, assuaging, and quiet out there. The glittery rays of moonlight were passing through my window and touching the back wall of my single bed. I looked through the window and suddenly my eyes were staring the road, where the street lights were still burning bright decided to take a walk outside because I didn’t have to go to the work next day since I was off from the work. And I didn’t want to sleep at all. So I put on my brown leather coat and locked the room after taking my cell phone from the room.
Nobody was there. The street lights were illuminating the whole area and showing me the path very clearly. I started to walk slowly until I reached the end of the road. Should I go ahead or not? I decided in my mind and then took a left turn and walked down the trail. I looked up at the sky, the stars were constantly shinning and I was feeling very romantic.
I was feeling very excited, fresh, and energetic. I never sung alone in my life before, but that night I wanted to listen to myself, so I sang my favourite song “ You are just somebody that I used to know.” My song was echoing in the surrounding since there was nobody out there- no cars, no humans, and no hassle and bustle. I felt a strong crunch of sweetness in my song.
As soon as I walked a half-mile on the east side of Luminosity Street I noticed a little boy on the corner of the road. He was walking ahead of me silently. I was very shocked to see a small kid on the road even it was late at night. “What this kid is doing on the road at this moment?” I asked myself. Then I didn’t think anymore and took a few quick steps- in nine steps I was close to him, but he seemed to be faster than I was. He wasn’t running at all, but it looked as if he was taking big steps.
“ Hey, Hey, Hey,” “ Listen to me buddy,” I said aloud. But he didn’t stop there even though I was sure he had heard me asking him to stop. I ran towards him and yelled “Please look at me.” And then he stopped immediately.
He turned his face towards me and didn’t say anything. The kid seemed to belong to a poor family: his clothes were torn from many parts and his face was very dirty as if he hadn’t taken a shower for years.
Are you all right? I asked him. No reply from his side. Hey kid, are you listening to me? I tried my best to speak to him. Apparently, he was in some kind of shock! Maybe he had run from his home, I was trying to figure out what could the reason of his being outside.
I gave another try and asked “Hey, I will not harm you. Look I am your friend; you can trust me, Ok. I can help you, but you need to tell me what’s wrong with you. Why are you on the road at this time? You shouldn’t be here; it’s not good for you.” My second try also was in vain. He did not care to reply to my questions nor talked to me and maintained eye contact with me. I was feeling so frustrated by his behavior and thought to ask him one more time why he was out there.
“Look buddy, if you won’t tell me who you are and where are you from, I am going to call the police and tell them everything.” I said it with clear anger and I am sure he noticed it. He lifted his eyes up for the first time since we had started talking to each other, but he hadn’t said a word yet. His eyes were blood-shot with numerous tiny spots of black colo
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Edited by lucile83 on 12-06-2012 08:00
Forum > English only
