Aide/lettre motivation
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Message de blackbirdy posté le 08-12-2015 à 14:44:28 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,
Je vaque sur votre site depuis un mois déjà et je me permets de poster parce qu'après avoir lu et fait les tests j'ai besoin de votre aide.
J'ai fait une lettre de motivation pour une recherche de stage. J'ai besoin qu'on m'aide à la corriger et peut-être (sûrement même!) qu'on m'aide à la réduire.
Je vais envoyer en candidature spontanée.
D'avance merci de votre attention.
Je copie et colle le premier jet
Dear Madam, Sir
My name is *****, I am ****. My-3 year- Diploma of Radiography and Medical Imaging was achieved at Lycée ******* (FRANCE) in June 2014 . All of my clinical placements at differents hospitals during my studies, gave me the chance to work with state-of-the-art digital X-ray machines in different departments throughout the hospital including oncology, emergency, paediatrics and intensive care. Everything you learn in theory makes even more sense when it is seen and practised in these conditions.
I'm a college graduate with as much on-the-job experience and enthusiasm in the field of radiology. I have experience in "Diagnostic Radiography", (working with CT scans, diagnostic imaging, X Ray and MRI machines). I am also an experienced "Therapy Radiopher" I have worked with "linear accelerator", "tomotherapy system", "cyberknife" and I have practiced "brachyterapy". I know and understand the safety issues associated with this type of technology and I always use radiation protection and follow safety protocols. Not only am I passionate about the science, but I also take great pride in my intensive schooling and valuable experience as an Radiographer in France.
I have the interpersonal skills needed to help explain the procedures to patients and to answer any questions they may have about the tests they are about to undergo. I follow the directions of the physician to ensure I get the correct images needed and I know how to position the patients correctly in order to get the clearest picture possible. I possess the analytical skills necessary to work in a highly complex and rapidly evolving field, but I also need to attain more than just academic and technical proficiency. I recognise the importance of effective communication skills in patient care. My interest in helping people enables me to build contact and confidence easily and to offer assistance in a calm and professional way. I respond to patient's enquiries clearly and concisely. I have the compassion and sensitivity necessary to provide for the physical and psychological comfort of the patient helping them to feel relaxed and as comfortable as possible during the procedure.
On a professional Ievel, I desire to integrate an internship to dare to speak english. I would like to add an international exeprience on my resume to enrichen it and also to discover other methods of work. I would like to discover new infrastructures and new responsabilities. My work ethic and enthusiasm would bring excellent patient care , quality x-ray imaging, dependability, flexibility and curiosity while learning first-hand from recognized professionals. I am familiar with high volume work environments and I am very experienced with learning operations and policies quickly. I am good at communicating and I enjoy working as a part of team. I strongly believer that by developing my personality via a new culture and language, will allow me to gain more confidence and enhance my professional career.
On a personal level, I am eager to learn about another culture, and its people. I would become more mature and independent. I would improve my adaptaton capacity in a new city, new environnement. I hope that as a person I will become more open towards all which is new and innovative, more tolerent and in general more appreciative towards life. I would make my own life experience because learning is not just in book knowledge or what is learned in schools, but rather through experiences.
D'avance Merci merci merci
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Modifié par lucile83 le 08-12-2015 15:18
Message de blackbirdy posté le 08-12-2015 à 14:44:28 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,
Je vaque sur votre site depuis un mois déjà et je me permets de poster parce qu'après avoir lu et fait les tests j'ai besoin de votre aide.
J'ai fait une lettre de motivation pour une recherche de stage. J'ai besoin qu'on m'aide à la corriger et peut-être (sûrement même!) qu'on m'aide à la réduire.
Je vais envoyer en candidature spontanée.
D'avance merci de votre attention.
Je copie et colle le premier jet
Dear Madam, Sir
My name is *****, I am ****. My-3 year- Diploma of Radiography and Medical Imaging was achieved at Lycée ******* (FRANCE) in June 2014 . All of my clinical placements at differents hospitals during my studies, gave me the chance to work with state-of-the-art digital X-ray machines in different departments throughout the hospital including oncology, emergency, paediatrics and intensive care. Everything you learn in theory makes even more sense when it is seen and practised in these conditions.
I'm a college graduate with as much on-the-job experience and enthusiasm in the field of radiology. I have experience in "Diagnostic Radiography", (working with CT scans, diagnostic imaging, X Ray and MRI machines). I am also an experienced "Therapy Radiopher" I have worked with "linear accelerator", "tomotherapy system", "cyberknife" and I have practiced "brachyterapy". I know and understand the safety issues associated with this type of technology and I always use radiation protection and follow safety protocols. Not only am I passionate about the science, but I also take great pride in my intensive schooling and valuable experience as an Radiographer in France.
I have the interpersonal skills needed to help explain the procedures to patients and to answer any questions they may have about the tests they are about to undergo. I follow the directions of the physician to ensure I get the correct images needed and I know how to position the patients correctly in order to get the clearest picture possible. I possess the analytical skills necessary to work in a highly complex and rapidly evolving field, but I also need to attain more than just academic and technical proficiency. I recognise the importance of effective communication skills in patient care. My interest in helping people enables me to build contact and confidence easily and to offer assistance in a calm and professional way. I respond to patient's enquiries clearly and concisely. I have the compassion and sensitivity necessary to provide for the physical and psychological comfort of the patient helping them to feel relaxed and as comfortable as possible during the procedure.
On a professional Ievel, I desire to integrate an internship to dare to speak english. I would like to add an international exeprience on my resume to enrichen it and also to discover other methods of work. I would like to discover new infrastructures and new responsabilities. My work ethic and enthusiasm would bring excellent patient care , quality x-ray imaging, dependability, flexibility and curiosity while learning first-hand from recognized professionals. I am familiar with high volume work environments and I am very experienced with learning operations and policies quickly. I am good at communicating and I enjoy working as a part of team. I strongly believer that by developing my personality via a new culture and language, will allow me to gain more confidence and enhance my professional career.
On a personal level, I am eager to learn about another culture, and its people. I would become more mature and independent. I would improve my adaptaton capacity in a new city, new environnement. I hope that as a person I will become more open towards all which is new and innovative, more tolerent and in general more appreciative towards life. I would make my own life experience because learning is not just in book knowledge or what is learned in schools, but rather through experiences.
D'avance Merci merci merci
-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 08-12-2015 15:18
Réponse: Aide/lettre motivation de bluestar, postée le 08-12-2015 à 23:43:46 (S | E)
Bonsoir..
Bon travail! Errors in blue, suggestions in green
My name is *****, I am ****. My-3 year- Diploma of Radiography and Medical Imaging was achieved at Lycée ******* (FRANCE) in June 2014 . All of my clinical placements at differents (pas s au pluriel des adjectifs) hospitals during my studies, gave me the chance to work with state-of-the-art digital X-ray machines in different departments throughout the hospital including Ooncology, Eemergency, Ppaediatrics and intensive care. Everything you learn in theory makes even more sense when it is seen and practised in these conditions.
I'm a college graduate with as much on-the-job experience and enthusiasm in the field of radiology. I have experience in "Diagnostic Radiography", (working with CT scans, diagnostic imaging, X Ray and MRI machines). I am also an experienced "Therapy Radiographer" I have worked with "linear accelerator", "tomotherapy system", "cyberknife" and I have practiced "brachyterapy". I know and understand the safety issues associated with this type of technology and I always use radiation protection and follow safety protocols. Not only am I passionate about the science, but I also take great pride in my intensive schooling and valuable experience as an rRadiographer in France.
I have the interpersonal skills needed to help explain the procedures to patients and to answer any questions they may have about the tests they are about to undergo. I follow the directions of the physician to ensure I get the correct images needed and I know how to position the patients correctly in order to get the clearest picture possible. I possess the analytical skills necessary to work in a highly complex and rapidly evolving field, but I also need to attain more than just academic and technical proficiency. I recognise the importance of effective communication skills in patient care. My interest in helping people enables me to build contact and confidence easily and to offer assistance in a calm and professional way. I respond to the patient's enquiries clearly and concisely. I have the compassion and sensitivity necessary to provide for the physical and psychological comfort of the patient, helping them(singulier: 'the patient') to feel relaxed and as comfortable as possible during the procedure.
On a professional Ievel, I desire to integrate (un autre verbe) an internship to dare
(bizarre)to speak Eenglish. I would like to add On a personal level, I am eager to learn about another culture, and its people. I would become more mature and independent. I would improve my adaptaton capacity in a new city, new environnement environment. I hope that as a person (superflu) I will become more open towards all which is new and innovative, more tolerent and in general more appreciative towards of life. I would make my own life experience because learning is not just in book knowledge or what is learned ('taught' serait mieux) in schools, but rather through experiences.
Réponse: Aide/lettre motivation de blackbirdy, postée le 10-12-2015 à 14:30:51 (S | E)
Merci Bluestar
Alors j'ai corrigé les deux premiers paragraphes.
"I'm a college graduate with as much on-the-job experience" > J'ai retiré "as" je trouvais aussi que ça sonnait bizarre. "I respond to patient's enquiries clearly and concisely. [...] helping them" ça devient "patients' " du coup non ? Car de base je voulais mettre un pluriel. "I desire to integrate (un autre verbe) an internship to dare (bizarre)to speak Eenglish" to complete alors? Parce que on peut l'avoir dans le sens "effectuer" mais le sens premier n'est-il pas compléter?
"I desire to complete an internship to add an international experience on my resume..."
C'est mieux non ? J'avais utilisé "to dare" dans le sens "défier" mais ça marche peut etre que dans le langage courant (J'avais le souvenir du jeu: I dare you! = Cap!)
"to enrich "I would like to discover new infrastructures and new responsabilities" responsibilities "I hope that Par contre
dans cette phrase je ne comprends pas pourquoi "tolerant" et "towards of" sont en bleu? Ca n'a pas de sens c'est ça? Ou c'est "juste" à cause des fautes de frappe?Et le reste est corrigé; merci aussi de m'avoir fait voir mes erreurs d'inattention et fautes de frappe
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Modifié par lucile83 le 10-12-2015 14:43
Réponse: Aide/lettre motivation de bluestar, postée le 10-12-2015 à 15:58:44 (S | E)
Bonjour..
(1) OK
(2) Si vous désirez que ce soit pluriel, patients' est Ok
(3) 'to start' ou 'commence' an internship serait mieux. A la place de "dare to speak English" je dirais plus simplement "to practice my English" ou "to improve my English"
(4) enrich.. responsibilities.. sont Ok
(5) "tolerent" était en bleu parce qu'il est une faute d'orthographe.
(6) "towards of"..Non! "of" au lieu de "towards" .. le mot en bleu devrait être remplacé par le mot en vert. En anglais "of" est la préposition qui va avec l'adjectif "appreciative"...par exemple "I am very appreciative of your efforts"..Towards n'est pas utilisé dans ce cas.
Bonne chance
Réponse: Aide/lettre motivation de blackbirdy, postée le 10-12-2015 à 16:06:50 (S | E)
Ah je comprends mieux!
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